Category: Writers Block
The boy stared idly out of the dirty window he'd tried to remove some of the dirt with his hand, but it was ingrained everywhere he went seemed to be filthy.Then his jaded eyes drifted to a beautiful figure walking towards the train..his skin glowed and his topaz eyes as fierce as a tiger's held the boys attention when those orbs drifted over him they scalded like sunburn.
He got on and looked around for a seat this seemed bizzare when he had already decided.The boy immediately curled up making himself smaller but the vampire smiled and slouched into the seat opposite like a tired bored human.
As they looked at each other those merciless eyes scraped across his skin like long sharp nails,the vampire glanced around licking his lips the colour and warmth was fading from his skin.
"Im ill i wouldnt bother" he realised the stupidity of that remark as the vamp laughed a preternatural metallic sound the sounds ran into one another and he seemed fascinated by them.
"It will be quick i'm good, one of the best,though who says you have to die......i can wait a few more ....hours".
His voice was attractive cultured and strangely charming the sun went down Vincent watched the red fireball descend *it will be hot tomorrow* he sighed and longed for winter when his victims were distracted by the bitter winds, swirling snow and the kill's were harder to find but more satisfying.
I like it, but it is a bit weighed down by too many adjectives.
I am a very descriptive person when it comes to writing, and in my opinion, there cannot be too many adjectives because of the fact that vampires are interpreted in many different ways depending on the individual's imagination.
Where are you planning on going with this? I'd be glad to maybe give some ideas... I've never tried to write a novel about vampires, but there's mothing wrong with looking at things from a different perspective.
thanks all i'd appreciate any criticisim at all
if you think the adjectives are bad you should see
my punctuation.
j/k.
"How long's it been since you went over" he had asked the question as he might ask for sweets Vincent scanned the passengers and selected a victim.She stared across the aisle and smiled it was laden with *does he really want me... finally! Someone wants me* he changed his mind she was too keen he liked a struggle before kissing them goodnight."Its been 10 years im still learning you never know it all"
inspite of the heat still lingering in the air he was dressed entirely in black and had no problem blending in to the Gothic world. No sweat ran off him and Jamie couldnt help staring at this supernatural creature who seemed at home on a train full of the living.
"Can you stop eyeing me up it makes me very nervous im ill and and definately sick of being stared at".Jamie was only 10 but his speech was several years ahead.
"I'm just curious you lot fascinate me i spend hours just watching while drinking.. wine".
"Yeah and its not Buckie that's for sure" Vincent threw back his head and laughed the passengers spoke amongst themselves and drew away from his presence.
Buckie hmm so that's what it was i'd spent ages trying to place the taste".
Jamie was stunned at his audacity he had heard rumours about the cockiness of vampires, but this 1 was over the score.
The train pulled away with a jolt several passengers complained out loud and Vincent smiled at, but seemed confused by, their small details that gave meaning to their limited lives.
sometimes he was like a child innocent, untouched and open to suggestion,but this was only an act to draw them in ever closer the blood was never enough....Feeding was only a means to an end to keep him whole beautiful and dangerous.Jamie shifted in his seat as the pain grew he fumbled in a pocket for the pills that prolonged his suffering."How...can you sit....there watch me.... like this!" A spasm of pain shot across his face ageless and pale."What you want is unthinkable if i was to turn you we would both be in terrible danger".Vincent dismissed the hunger in the boy's eyes with a callous wave of his right hand.
"Fuck you! You'll need more than Holy Water Moonlight if they find out you've refused a dying 10yr old"
the vampire shook his head and brushed back his long black hair the weakening light jumped into his eyes and lit them like fire.
"I cant ok its...."
"You were changed can you remember seeing nothing but black!" Jamie fought against the pain and his decreasing mortality."Yes i remember lots of things memories are so unfortunate"
"Christ! You are such an arsehole"
The vampire looked all around him and smart arsed his way past Jamie's pain "where! I've a good few questions to ask that fecker".
"oh ha bloody ha poor Vincent he's had a hard life be nice to him or he'll rip out your throat".Jamie fired sarcasm like bullets but they were blanks to his companion.
"What are...you doing hey! I'm sorry hey!"
As the vampire pulled the emergency cord and lifted Jamie from his seat he caught a flash of pity in his eyes."I'm so fed up with that... i'd be happier... if you were starving".
The ticket inspector came running but he was too late to catch the culprit as Vincent carried his friend to a safehouse."where...are we... stop I'm oh shit!"he halted and held the boy,as he puked the warm drug infused blood sent a shiver of excitement racing through him, but he didnt act on it.
..kinda sounds like holding Life in One's hands while all the time pukeing Death as it were... Please continue..
CG